Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Saturday

Joke Time

It's been a while that I haven't share a joke here...i guess we have to stretch and exercise our muscles on our face once in a while. This was taken from my inbox which is a subscribed mail from arcamax...have fun!! enjoy your weekend Folks!!

Cars vs. Computers part 2

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Sunday

Have Fun during the weekend!

This is quite a funny joke! another forwarded mail... Isn't all joke not funny? Just kidding guys..This is a cool joke if you understand it good! Be careful you might be the next bait..have an enjoyable weekend!

"The Pope’s Alaskan Bear Hunt

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

Thursday

What A Cool Joke Today!

I got another cool joke for you today. As usual before I delete it in my inbox today, I would like to share it also to all of you! I hope you have even just a little fun out there..OOppsss...be careful if you have something for painting. It might be your valuable asset...A Porsche or a Ferrari!! wehehehe! have fun guys and take care too!

"The Blonde Painter

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Friday

It's A Priceless Joke!

It's TGIF again! I am feeling very better now. If you read my other blogs, you might know why and what happened. I got a forwarded mail from my dear friend and former co-employee at the bank where I worked before. Thanks Chinkz for this one..I stretch my facial muscle a bit...yeyeye! I am sharing it to you now! have fun!

"Priceless!!:)

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car

Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.
I just did!

Thursday

Old Bible Joke

This joke was forwarded in my email...it seems cool to have a smile in your face or laugh it out when you want!! have a happy Thursday!!

Old Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

Monday

Joke on Life

I heard sometimes friends who said, "C'mon don't take life seriously". Do you really take life seriously? or there might be some things or events that make this life a happy one..I mean not really taking life seriously..guess this is getting complicated!! anyway, just sharing this joke about life which was forwarded in my email!! happy Monday!! Don't forget to take time to be happy!!

What Is Life?

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.

"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

-- Raymod Smullyan, "5000 B.C."

It's Laugh Time

Stretch that muscles on your face to avoid wrinkles..wink!! have fun!!

Tough Account

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Tuesday

Joke about Two Birds!!

Before I share to you this joke about two birds, take a look first at this very nice photo I took in one of the towers of Windsor Castle in England. See that plane above the tower? This is always the view in the Castle because a lot of air planes always pass this way. During my visit to the castle, I probably witnessed around thirty airplanes passing the Castle!! cool pix!! love it!! love the beauty and grandeur of this castle too!! read the joke below!! just a reminder, don't drink too much huh!!

Two Birds

Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."

Wednesday

It's Joke Time

Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Friday

Cool Kids Joke

photo taken by my husband during the Oktoberfest in Munich this year. It will be ending this Sunday. See those heart shape brown thing!! It is called Lebkuchen. It is like a special cookie of Germans..

I thought of sharing this joke below...don't know exactly if this is a joke or might be a kind of attitude or character of a child..

All the Cookies

The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?”

Mary immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”

Monday

Joke Time!

Do you have a boring day today?? Oh well, I just thought of sharing these jokes from my subscribed emails from arcamax.com...keep smiling even just a little!! have a great Monday too!!

Question Answered

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Real Politics

Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

Mars

During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

Sunday

Joke TIme

How was your weekend?? It is almost ending and hope you got the best of it. I just thought of sharing this joke from a a subscribed email (arcamax.com) before I delete it...have fun reading!! see you tomorrow again!!

Rowing Away

There was a old lady that was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling.

The first man said: "Can't you see the lady rowing in the dry corn field?"

The second guy said: "Go out and tell her yourself!"

The first guy said: "I Would but... I can't swim!"

Thursday

Joke Time

I got a joke here...just want to share it before I delete it in my inbox...this is from arcamax...have fun!!

Family Vacation

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

Wednesday

Joke Time!!

College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

arcamax.com

Tuesday

Time to Laugh!!

North vs. South

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

Friday

Time to laugh or Smile!!

Unbreakable

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Sunday

Prayers Before Dinner

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

Monday

It's Joke time!!

Paying the Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Saturday

Time to Laugh!!

On the Way to Heaven

One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"


www.arcamax.com


Friday

Let's Exercise our Muscles!!

Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.


Won the Part

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”


Black Spots

"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.

The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.

"Now I see the spots better," he replied.